


but nothing last forever (nothing stays the same)

by sleepwithoutdreaming



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, talks of death and terminal diseases, tiny mention of excessive drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-28
Updated: 2014-02-28
Packaged: 2018-01-14 01:04:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1246885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepwithoutdreaming/pseuds/sleepwithoutdreaming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael loves Christmas, until he doesn't anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but nothing last forever (nothing stays the same)

**Author's Note:**

> another fic completed! yay!
> 
> this one took a really long time (hence why it's a Christmas fic being posted in near-March) and it's honestly not one of my favorites, i'm just more proud of the fact that i finished it.
> 
> also i _know_ i should be working on the next sequel in the cake/cashton series i'm doing but it's coming soon guys! i just needed this fic to be finished before i got into writing that again
> 
> usual warnings: no beta, any mistakes are mine, and basic editing. hope this one isn't too bad.
> 
> dedicated to ang, my best friend and my luke; your calum loves youuuuuuuu.
> 
> also the song in the fic is 5SOS's "wherever you are" and the title was taken from the song as well.

Michael loves Christmas.

It’s just the way the season makes him feel. Everyone around him is in a festive mood because of the upcoming holidays and there’s nothing but pure yuletide spirit in the air. People rushing around to buy gifts and the lingering smells of fresh baked cookies and eggnog always managed to make him smile. Even without proper snow in Sydney it never dampened the beauty of this time of year, he always made due without it. Plus his family always got creative with that; cranking the air conditioning to its coolest setting to put a frosty chill on the house and wearing ugly Christmas sweaters to dull the cold.

And the boys make it great, too. Ashton manages to be a pretty good baker, so he’s always the one to prepare their gingerbread houses – which were never decorated properly from the others eating the candy by itself instead. Cal is nothing but boundless energy; running around the house singing Christmas carols and other things, throwing tinsel everywhere when he gets the chance. And then there’s Luke, snuggly little Luke who would do nothing but make two mugs of hot chocolate for him and Michael and they’d leisurely sip them while cuddling on the couch, always a holiday film playing on the TV. It wasn’t much, but it was all of the holiday traditions that made him happy, and cemented the fact that this time of the year was his favorite.

So yes, Michael loves Christmas.

Until he doesn’t anymore.

\--  
It was as normal of a day it could be.

Wake up at noon, eat, hang out with Luke on the couch all day – that was the schedule and the first two had already been done. Lounging around with the blonde had been something Michael’s been doing quite frequently; especially since Luke’s been ill. Everyone attributes it to Luke working so hard, going from the Take Me Home tour to their Koko shows to recording the album at every free chance they got, and it’s just getting to him. Michael’s been “stress sick” before so he thinks nothing of it, just smiles at a worn out looking Luke and tows him into his arms for a cuddle, and Luke buries his face into Michael’s neck just as he expects.

What Michael isn’t expecting is for Luke’s skin to be burning hot and for sweat to start pooling on the younger boy’s forehead. He presses a hand to Luke’s head, cheeks, and neck, realizing that Luke has a fever. He tries to think back to when he was sick and if he had the same, but he comes up short, and immediately becomes a mother hen trying to take care of Luke.

“Lukey, you’re burning up. Think you have a fever, babe.” And he wipes some of the sweat off Luke’s forehead.

Luke shakes his head and says, “But I’m freezing, I’ve been cold like this for the past few days.” And that makes Michael frown, because he’s told Luke that if he starts feeling worse to tell someone so he could go to the doctor’s, obviously he’d kept his mouth shut about it.

“It’s like 90 degrees outside, if you were feeling cold like this you have to know it’s not normal, why didn’t you say anything?” Luke shrugs, “Didn’t want to be a bother.”

Michael rolls his eyes, almost fondly, and says, “Stop, you’re never being a bother. Especially if you’re sick, don’t want you to get worse.”

Luke smiles and says, “I’ll be fine, just need to take something and get some tea and rest. Probably need a shower, too. I’m still cold but I can feel myself sweating through my clothes.” And his face scrunches up cutely which makes Michael grin. Despite the other boy being sick Michael pecks his lips anyways, then says, “How about you make yourself a cup of tea and I’ll go run a bath for you? Sound good?”

A smirk crosses Luke’s face and he says, “Michael Clifford running me a bath? Never thought I’d see the day.”

Michael gets up from the couch and kisses the top of Luke’s head, “What can I say, you’ve turned me soft,” then he pads to the bathroom, throwing a smile and wink over his shoulder at Luke as he quips, “Maybe I’ll join you in the water later.”

It’s only a few minutes after that when Michael yells to Luke, “Are you done with your tea yet? The bath is ready!” When he gets no answer he yells again, “Lukey, did you hear me?” Once again he gets no response, but before he’s able to ask again he hears the sound of glass breaking and a thud, to which he sighs. He walks out of the bathroom and makes his way to the kitchen, “Geez Lukey, how clumsy can you get? Did you break one of my good mugs agai-“

And his breath is stolen from him when he sees Luke sprawled on the kitchen floor unconscious, broken tea mug fallen beside him.

He shakes the boy some, willing him to wake up, but to no avail he remains still. Michael rushes to the phone and calls 911, worry apparent in his voice and frantically trying to relay all of the information to the dispatcher on the other end.

Luke still isn’t moving when the ambulance gets there, and when he gets into the back with Luke’s lifeless body, he knows something is horribly wrong.

\--  
It’s been months since that day and since Luke’s been in the hospital, and even though Michael’s heard it time and time again, the word for Luke’s condition still baffles him.

_Leukemia._

Chronic leukemia; the kind that won’t show symptoms for years and then suddenly become life-threatening, that’s what Luke is stuck with.

And Michael can’t help but think about the years he’s known Luke, and when he considers everything, it starts to make sense. The times that Luke would be more tired than the rest of the band and him seemingly getting what everyone thought was the flu every year, it all leads back to that L word.

That L word is the reason why Luke and Michael spent their first Christmas as LukeandMichael in a treatment center, presents sitting at the foot of Luke’s hospital bed. The reason why they shared their midnight kiss at New Year’s in front of a nurse’s checking Luke’s vitals. The reason why during Valentine’s Day the only gift Luke wanted from his boyfriend was for Michael to help him shave what was left of his thinning hair. It was the reason why the love of his life was deteriorating in front of his very eyes.

Michael starts to think how back in the states and in Europe it’s still their winter right now and how bad he used to wish he felt that here in Australia, but seeing his boy pale and almost as cold as ice, all color and life draining from him like autumn leaves being covered in freezing snow, the macabre part of his mind thinks that he finally got his winter wish. Just at the cost of the person he loves the most.

\--  
“Mikey?”

“Yeah, Lukey?”

“I want you to promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“This time next year, you’ll find a way to be happy again without me.”

“Stop that. You’re going to be with me next year, Luke."

“Michael, please.”

“Listen to me, you’ll be okay. We’ll get our Christmas back and our New Year’s and our Valentine’s Day back and you’ll never have to worry about this again. You’ll be fine.”

“Mikey, you know I won’t be fine. This is it for me.”

“Stop saying that! You’re going to be okay! I know you will.”

“Babe, listen to me. You and I both know that I’m not going to make it much longer. You have to accept that.”

“I’m not accepting that! I’m not losing you to this! Not now, not when I just got you. I can’t lose you, Luke.”

“Baby…”

“No. If I had known this I would’ve told you how I felt sooner, I would’ve made sure we had more time together, I would’ve made things different. It hasn’t even been a full year yet and I’m going to lose you. How am I supposed to accept that, Luke?”

“Because you have to, it’s what’s happening to us. I-I don’t want to go either; you know I don’t, but I’m tired of this life. The chemo, the hospital, the doctors and the nurses and everything! It’s too much for me to deal with anymore. I just can’t.”

“You have to fight. You have to keep fighting past this; you’re stronger than this disease. Please keep fighting for a little while longer, baby.”

“O-Okay, Mike. I’ll fight. I’ll fight for you.”

\--  
And fight he did.

The chemo, radiation, and the medication had helped, along with Luke trying his best to fight for his life, and before anyone knew it, it was well into the end of the next year and Luke was still here, doing as best as he could. The love of his friends and family helped him keep his strength up, and after many conversations between his parents and his doctors, Luke was allowed to leave the hospital for the holidays.

The days leading up to Christmas were great. All of the boys and their families spent time together and everyone pitched in to make this holiday especially special for Luke. They watched holiday movies and played games, prepared to make a big dinner for all of them, continuing all of their usual holiday traditions and had a wonderful time, and that’s exactly what Luke wanted.

On the night of Christmas Eve, Michael and Luke found themselves in the same position as the year before; cuddling on the couch with Christmas movies on TV and music playing in the background, air conditioner on its highest setting to simulate the winter they so desperately wanted, and donning their matching ugly Christmas sweaters. They were happy and together at home again, and it started to feel like everything was normal between them and Michael couldn’t have been happier.

\--  
“You’ve been so cuddly recently. What’s up with you?” Michael asked with a laugh as Luke cuddled himself on his lap. Luke shrugged, wrapping his arms around Michael’s waist and saying, “Don’t know, just feel like being cuddly. It’s easier doing this when I’m not hooked up to a bunch of machines.”

Michael jokingly says, “And it’s nice to not have to hear the nurses ‘awwing’ at us every time they see us together.” And that makes Luke smile, “Yeah, that’s a good point”, and he snuggles his face into the crook of Michael’s neck, the scruff of Luke’s slowly growing hair tickling his chin.

It’s quiet for a while, nothing but the noises in the background to be heard until Luke asks softly, “Mikey?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“You know I love you, right? M-More than anything or anyone else?”

And that takes Michael aback, because he knows that – he’s always known because it’s the exact way he feels about Luke, but they’ve never said it. Luke claimed it was for Michael’s sake; he didn’t want Michael to get in so deep with him when he could get worse and die at any given moment, so they kept their relationship as casual as possible with no labels, nothing definite, and of course no “I love you’s” said. Michael wonders if this is the beginning of them really getting a chance to be LukeandMichael and that they can be completely happy with each other for however long they have together.

That’s all that Michael wants. He almost wants it as much as he wants Luke to be well again.

He simply nods and says, “Of course I know. I love you, too.”

Luke grins at him, a wide and crooked grin that Michael hasn’t seen in the entire year that Luke’s been stuck in the hospital, and it almost makes his heart stop.

Then Luke kisses him.

And it warms him from the inside out, because Luke hasn’t kissed him like this in months (all passionate and hungry and desperate) and if Michael hadn’t already been sitting, his knees would’ve given out. It’s obvious where Michael wants this to lead and even more obvious where Luke is taking it, but it’s been so long that neither of them protest it.

Luke moves to straddle him, wrapping his arms around his neck and pressing their lips together fiercely, only moving when Michael breaks the kiss to catch his breath. That’s when Michael asks, “A-Are you sure you’re up for this? I don’t know if you can handle this physically, babe.”

And the blond shakes his head adamantly, “I can handle it. I need this, Mike. Please.”

That’s all it takes for Michael to pull Luke to his bedroom, locking the door behind him and taking his boy to bed.

\--  
When they wake up in morning, they’re immediately hit with the smell of food. Neither of them move, just basking in the feeling of being home together and not in a hospital room, and it nearly makes tears spring up in both of their eyes.

But their time alone is short-lived, because Calum and Ashton are barging into the room and jumping on their beds, Christmas pajamas on (Luke laughs because Ash is wearing a Santa hat and Cal is donning an Elf one and they look completely ridiculous) and screaming at the top of their lungs that it’s Christmas.

It’s annoying and obnoxious, but it feel right.

It feels like home.

When they finally emerged from their room, family activities are in full swing.

Presents are being passed out, some of the parents are in the kitchen cooking, and everyone is dressed head to toe in Christmas gear, just as usual.

Their family breakfast and their family dinner went off without a hitch (minus Ashton spilling hot chocolate on himself and someone almost knocking over their turkey), and by the end of the night everyone was happy and content from spending the day together.

Later on Michael and Luke had exchanged gifts and that was the best part of their day. Michael bought Luke a new guitar and Luke gave Michael a mix CD of his favorite songs, something each of them wanted and were grateful for.

Everything was as perfect as Luke imagined it and it was all just to make what could be his last Christmas very special. Food was on the table, family and friends were surrounding him, and he spent that night lost in his guitar strings and a pair of green eyes.

And Luke couldn’t have been more at peace.

\--  
Something Michael had figured out early on with Luke was that he was full of surprises.

Back in year nine when they used to torment each other Luke was this scrawny little baby-faced kid that he just shrugged off as a weakling, but Luke would spit back insults at Michael as fast as he spewed them out. Then the older Luke got the more he started to physically grow up; he went from coming up to Michael’s shoulders to towering over him a few inches, his shoulders rounded out and he wasn’t as lanky and wiry anymore – nobody expected any of those things from Luke and it always left people in shock.

It shouldn’t have been a surprise to find out that the Christmas present Luke got him was more than just an ordinary mixtape. He’d listened to the thing a countless amount of times and loved it, it was full of the 1975 and Arctic Monkeys and All Time Low and a myriad of both of their favorite band’s music, and Michael cherished it more than anything.

But one day he finally realized the true meaning of the gift. When at the end of the last track and long after Matt Healy’s voice faded into nothing he left the CD play until it clicked off but that silence never came. Instead there was a rustling and the sound of a microphone, then after a few beats of silence there came a soft

“Hi, Mikey…”

-that stopped him dead in his tracks.

“I-I know I probably should’ve told you about this before…it would’ve made better sense since I know you always skip back to the beginning of the CD instead of bothering to find hidden tracks or anything. Always so damn impatient, babe.”

Michael lets out a small laugh that matches the one on the disc – Luke always told him he never waited for the good stuff to happen, guess he managed to be right about this.

“Anyways, t-this is something I’ve been working on for a while and I think I’ve finally finished it. I-It’s a little shaky and the lyrics are all over the place, but I need you to listen to it…and I mean really listen to it.

W-We both know that I’m not gonna be around much longer, and it kills me that I won’t ever have the chance to do all the things that I promised you that we would do together, but if I had my way we would’ve done that and so much more. This song is for you, and I want you to know that no matter where I may go or wherever you may go, I’ll never stop thinking about you. I’ll never stop thinking about how you’re the best thing in my life, I’ll never stop thinking about how much you mean to me and how nobody else will mean more to me than you, I’ll never stop thinking about how we were supposed to grow old together. How I was supposed to have your last name and your ring on my finger and have a family with you. H-How we were supposed to be happy together…” and Michael can’t help but fight back tears when he hears Luke sniffling on the disc, crying over all the things he’ll never get to do.

“But it’s alright, because even with all of that I’m missing out on, it’ll never take away the fact that for as long as I had you, you loved me better than anyone else ever could. You gave me happiness and joy and made my life so much better in the short time I was allowed to live, and there’s not enough time in the world for me to thank you for that, baby. I can only hope that I was able to make you even half as happy as you’ve made me.

So, h-here it is. I hope you like it, and I hope it lets you know just how much you mean to me, Michael. So merry Christmas. I love you.”

And when the song starts Michael can feel his breath leave him, because he knows exactly what this song is. It’s the same melody Luke played on his guitar over and over again on Christmas night, the lyrics he saw scribbled in Luke’s songbook one day, the tune he’d hum every day in the hospital until Michael knew it by heart, the song that Luke promised Michael would be the first to hear once it was finished, and it was all about him; about how Luke would always think about him and always love him no matter where either of them would go, and if that didn’t describe just how strongly they felt about each other, then Michael didn’t know what did. He didn’t miss the sadness in Luke’s voice or the pain in his lyrics, and that made his tears come down faster, but the love was there. The love was in every single word and guitar strum and Michael could feel it deep down in that part of him that’s been reserved only for Luke. He can feel all the emotions he’s managed to keep at bay spilling out of him, making him burst at the seams. Michael can physically feel everything start to chip away at the armor he’s managed to put around himself to stay strong until he’s fully in the open.

So he cries.

Heartbreaking whimpers that turn into full-on sobs, and he can’t see past his blurry vision or manage to get enough air in his lungs to breathe. Every raw emotion he tried to mask is tumbling out of him at a rapid pace and he can’t manage to keep up with all of them. He cries for himself, he cries for Luke, he cries for the boys and Luke’s family and all the people who are going to miss out on such a wonderful boy. He cries for the missed opportunities and the “what-could-have-been’s” that he’ll never get to experience with the person he wanted to be with the most. He cries until there’s nothing left.

Then he’s up on his feet, pulling on his jacket and a pair of shoes and grabbing his car keys because he needs to see his boy. He can feel his need for Luke itching under his skin and it makes him almost frantic to get to him. He’s in his car and on the road in minutes, speeding his way to his destination in record time. Once he’s there he sits in the car and waits; trying to calm himself down and settle his emotions before going in – he refuses to be a blubbering mess the next time he sees Luke. He wipes at his still leaking eyes and leaves the car, walking up the steps and into the place he knows so well.

Doesn’t take him long to get where he’s going and once he’s there he sits down and smiles.

“H-Hi Lukey, sorry I haven’t been by to see you lately. I-I’ve missed you…been missing you a lot lately. Um, I know it took me a long time to get to it but I finally listened to the entire mixtape. Your song is amazing, baby, I’m so proud of you for finishing it…just wish more people got a chance to hear it.”

He takes a breath before continuing, “I want you to know that I’m going to remember everything that you said on that track. No matter what happens and where I go or wherever you go, we’ll always still think about each other. I’ll never forget you, I promise I won’t. I’m never going to find someone that I love as much as I love you, Luke, and that’ll never change. You’re my best friend and the love of my life and you’ve given me some of the most amazing memories that I’ll remember forever.  
I’ll be back to see you again soon, gotta come make sure my boy is okay. I hope you’re doing better, you deserve to finally have a break for once and I expect that you’ve gotten just that. Have a nice rest, baby. I love you.”

Luke was always full of surprises, so Michael shouldn’t have been surprised when someone as strong was made weak by a deadly disease.

He lets a few tears escape as he looks down on his love’s gravestone; name chiseled perfectly in hard marble stone and standing beautifully amongst a bunch of others. He presses a kiss to the stone and cries through his pain, because he much as he misses him he knows his boy is in a better place and isn’t sick anymore. He’s healthy and happy somewhere up in the clouds and he can’t wait to see him again one day.

Walking out of the graveyard with watery eyes and a heavy heart, Michael drives back home, drowning in the heartache he never thought he’d have. He’s stoic and silent, dazed in a trance as all of the things he wouldn’t let himself feel comes crashing down on him. Since the night Luke passed away in his arms – when he physically felt the life drain from his weak body - he’s been the strength to help everyone else grieve, but he never had a chance to do so himself. It’s taken him until now – three months later – just to realize exactly how lost and broken he really is. The sleeping for days and excessive drinking to help him cope and the obsessive calling Luke’s number just to hear his voice on his answering machine; all of it meshes together until the final shreds of his sanity are gone.

Just when he thinks things can’t possibly be worse than what they already are, he steps over the threshold in his house.

There’s holiday music playing.

And there’s a whiff of hot chocolate and mistletoe in the air, and it’s all another brutal reminder of the day that started it all, and he can’t take it. Presents are already under the tree and the decorations are all around the house but there’s nothing that could get him into the spirit of things this year, because the best gift he’s ever gotten is gone and he can’t get him back. Michael rips his stocking off the mantle and throws a glass ornament so hard that it breaks, and nobody questions it at all.

Michael loves Christmas.

Until he doesn’t anymore.

\--  
 _“Every night I almost call you, just to say it will always be you, wherever you are.”_

**Author's Note:**

> so there it is! i hope it wasn't too terrible or too emotional. (also i may be a monster for not putting any warnings about the character death in the tags or warnings but i feel like i'm a monster for writing this in the first place, so it's all good).
> 
> thanks for reading! love, courtney.


End file.
